By January 9, 2016 October 2nd, 2017 In the 20’s

All he wanted was to explain to his CUDDLE-MUFFIN that hiyo si mapepo; that sportpesa would come through; that `shinda 3bedroom promotion’ was the real deal in his dreams. She couldn’t listen; every attempt to explain was followed by `hayo ni mapepo’.


December was just December glued to merry making, spending, accompanied by photos and instagraming #holidayTings (whoever came up with this tings word!!). It’s a time when the `matatu’ stakeholders will take a seat next to the driver, tackle the safety belt, make sure to capture the sterling and tell the world `what better way to start a holiday #roadtripmanenos’? We understand you are a loyal subscriber of `fake it till you make it fraternity’.



Until we make it, we keep faking. #RoadtripManenos. Don’t see the mattress and think this is Matunda bus….he he.

Strategic thieves should now target car hire companies; banks were milked by the holidays….he he. Did I just give thugs an idea? Shame on me!!! Car hiring is the top branding strategy people from the city utilize, who needs to be branded as a `nyasi ya Kidero entertainer’ anyway?



2nd January 2016 at exactly 8a.m. Jakes receives a call from a new number, he is half asleep, tossing and turning nursing a hangover whose only pill was a forest of beer. The previous night he had taken his siblings and village buddies for a road trip that ended in the bar and all his pockets had danced happily to `chop my money×100’. He had a `voxy’ which according to reliable sources was a car hire, hello thieves! Gospel truth, isn’t it? He transacted using M-pesa and was awarded lots of points; thinking that that could be the `lipa na M-pesa’ guys confirming that he was the winner of the 3 bedroom, gladly, he received the call. She had a killer voice, one that said Hello in Adele’s design, a turn-on voice, one that made him sober up and sit up to hear what she had for him. Are you the holder of account 123******? She asked after which he confirmed. Still with the hopes of the 3bedroom, his C-shaped broad smile lasted until her next statement Al shabaad him. 1’m Jerusha from Dante bank and from our records you’ve exceeded the agreed months to repay your loan. On that note, sorry, but we have to sweep your collateral today at noon; be at your place. He was dumb-folded, tangled, angry, and his world had just watermeloned. A quick idea came; maybe, just maybe SPORTPESA could save the day. Without taking a 360 degrees thinking, he proceeded to betting and the results just added him suitcases of problems.



Without much ado, he dressed in Nairobi clothes and ran to the stage to catch a bus to the city. The voxy was better off in shags for the time being; fueling it would be another suitcase. He made sure to buy enough airtime to call his ride or dies to lend him something; they may help `nusu mkate’ the loan you know. Its `Njanuary bruh’, school fees is waiting, was the chorus of the responses he got. What sped his blood flow was Gracie; how would he explain to her? Together, they had taken a loan and were committed to paying it back with Jakes as the treasurer, sacrificed lots of things to save, but now all had been crushed by the holidays and sportpesa. If only there was a reverse button to life!!!


The bank guys are like Duale, they have no apologies for anything, not even for leaving Jakes with space. They loaded the truck and left Jakes to deal with it.



On the other side, Gracie was so excited to get back to Nyairofi; the hot sun in Ukambani was already tampering with her skin. If this continued, Jakes would start seeing other fruits in the market (says a girl’s mind). She had also missed cooked love, it’s been 2weeks of not burning calories (in bed); the exercise would now resume. She had carried lots of mangoes well wrapped in a brown gunia that was inserted in a Tuskys paper bag: Welcome to the city. The `boda boda’ guy escorted her to the door, gave him a tip and opened the door to their multitasked room.




Babe, I’m ome (did I tell you where she is from?). Jakes is seated on the floor, strategizing how to win sport-pesa, and not even the sharp romantic `babe’ sound moves him. The room looks like a yoga ground with only mortein doom bottles, a one-sitter couch, fridge and microwave. She opens her mouth to question before doubting that her `gogos’ might be confusing her, but even after taking them off, nothing changes. Wuuui, what appened? Walituibia babe? Ama ni effects za Eurobond? Now this catches Jakes attention.



Relax, everything is fine. Branches of veins became the trademark of his face as he looked up to sportpesa. If this works, all he had to do was lie that he had sold the items to get better things and deal with the bank under the waters (chini ya maji). The Jerushas were back for the second trip to collect the fridge and microwave which could not fit in the truck the first time. He just had to let it out…….they took our things. Who? The bank, he told her.


What followed was an episode of Gracie with Jason Statham genes feasting on Jakes. So Diana was right h-all halong; all you did was ave fun, take photos and post them on hinstagram for the world to see how good you used that loan. Hayo ni mapepo!!!! Boss, the hinternet never lies. She took off her belt, strangled his neck and left him lying concluding with hayo ni mapepo ……………………..that’s what happened there.


HAPPY NEW YEAR GUYS. How is 2016 kicking off?

The Unique Mumbi

About The Unique Mumbi

I smile a lot; let’s just say I am a smiling machine. I have never felt how it feels to have an English name; in that case, you can call me unique. Writing became part of me after my first and best heartbreak ever. Wasn’t this man an angel? Slow internet makes me want to scream, and cashew nuts love me too.

Leave a Reply

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.