MCHELE FOR SURVIVAL
So today I rise up and decide to tune in to a different radio station in efforts of breaking the monotony of the classic 105 out of this world narrations; I settle for Kenya’s new kiss station with Kalekye and Shaffie. I am lucky to catch up with a conversation on how ladies just got smarter by utilizing the `Mchele for Survival’ exit strategy.
In their determinations for stealing the attention of that lady he has spotted, as the concept of hunting has it, he approaches her. At the back of his grey cells though, he is not after a long term kind of a thing…..he wants to apply his chips funga skills, to enjoy a one night stand…you know how sex is overrated. Could men be at the losing end??? LET US LOOK THROUGH INSIDE IT.
Dozens of men are yet to be convinced otherwise on the notion that when they buy drinks, goodies, take her out or anything that suggest that to them you are more than a friend, then she ought to compensate. Most of them even go ahead and purchase Prezzo’s lyrics `nipe nikupe raha tupate. Njoo upate mambo matamu kutoka kwangu’. (Give me I give you, let’s have fun. Come and get sweet things from me). The thing is, with fun being the in-thing nowadays, a lady will barely let go of a chance to enjoy being a V.I.P at Churchill live, setting her feet in Serena, enjoying Remmy Martin Loius xiii and have an iPhone 6. Yes, we (ladies) will fall for all those because it’s all about benefits, but it all goes upside down when the man raises his expectations, when he thinks that he is in the business field, she is the investment and the return is sex. As much as a good number of ladies may have no problem with the whole investment thing, ladies just wish it were MUTUAL. So, you make her your investment and even take loans to treat her like a princess expecting sex in return? Just read on and see why your plans are deemed to fail. Please don’t take me as a prophetess of doom…..haha.
- MCHELE FOR SURVIVAL
It is Friday night and this lady is plotless because as much as she wants to go clubbing, her wallet keeps disagreeing. A little determination never killed anyone, so, on she gets her phone and texts that man who she has always been turning down. `what are you up to this evening?’ she texts. What this conversation gives birth to is the man hiring a car, picking her up and the party begins. The man cannot wait to show off his `ready meat’ to his boys saying `wenye wivu wajinyonge’ ; finally this will be a night to stop singing the dry spell song. Overjoyed, he spoils her like nonsense, and wants her to be as drunk till her situation becomes a blackout. The lady though is after having fun and that’s why her clutch bag has some mchele (read drugs) which she secretly puts into the man’s drink. ha ha ha ha, what a way to end a dry spell… Poor man…tell Eric Wainaina to sing you `mzee alisema, hakuna cha bure, huo msemo tuliutafsiri kinyume’. (An old man said, there is no for free, and that phrase has been interpreted the opposite way). I know my translation skills are wanting…lol.
- I AM NOT ALONE
So it’s a drinking date and the man prepares his appetite because after a night of bottles, `lazima chuma ilale ndani’ (eeeh how do I interpret that?) or so he thinks. He gets to the club much earlier waiting for his date but his dreams get crashed, but not in a car accident. The lady texts, ` hey babe, just about to come in. trust me with my two girlfriends, you and I are going to have fun like veterans’. That deciphered means that the man will cater for every expense by the 3 ladies including paying for a taxi which will take them to their place; the man will go home to his 5 by 6 bed unaccompanied. Rest in peace `lazima chuma ilale ndani’.
It’s a done deal that your crush at the club will spend the night with you; even after leaving the club premises. Motivated by the facts of the deal, he buys her as many guaranas and spares getting touchy for the after party in his house. However, another man just appears out of the blue and claims to be the lady’s brother (he is just a classmate) and demands to leave with her. Any efforts made by the `to be’ lucky man to explain the deal they had is disapproved by the lady who now sides with the `brother’ arguing that she doesn’t want her parents to be mad at her for sleeping out. The man gives in and he starts counting loses of the guaranas he had bought. If only he knew that the lady is responsible for that brother-sister-parent arrangement. The `chips funga’ idea just gets invalid.
Men, are you planning to count on a chips funga, one night stand or such related dealings? Man, think outside the aforesaid strategies, otherwise you will continue being victims of the `mchele for survival’ line of attack.
Ladies, at least you got smarter, but bad news is the world is now aware of what you consider smart. How about you now invent better ways that will be unfailing?
ENJOY YOUR MONDAY BUDDIES.
REMEMBER THIS WEEK, THE SERIES HOW I NEVER MET YOUR FATHER WILL BE ON PROGRESS MODE.
WHEN I STAND BEFORE GOD AT THE END OF MY LIFE, I WOULD HOPE THAT I WOULD NOT HAVE A SINGLE BIT OF TALENT LEFT AND COULD SAY, `I USED EVERYTHING YOU GAVE ME’. – Erma Bombeck.
KISSES.
