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It should have been us against Covid-19 Calvin. Reply the goddamn message! Say something.

Your phone rings, it’s not Calvin, a video call from Collins; he might have the cure for corona and that can wait. Nooo, you know what he wants, ex-FWB who hasn’t subscribed that you turned a leaf. It’s been 3.3months since. Tempting as it is to pick up, listen to his charms and have him over, you hate to betray the books you’ve been reading, Power of the pussy, He’s just not that into you, think like a man act like a woman, and secrets of fascinating womanhood. Call goes unanswered.

Calvin, where is he? Why is he not replying? Are you not interesting enough? See, Calvin is your typa man, you’ve already planned the wedding in your head, what song he will play during the proposal, how welcoming the mother would be, and how cute your first born Alpha would look. You’ve replayed it in your head; this needs to happen faster and now is the perfect time for bonding with all the curfews, work from home, and social distancing way of life. Idleness will make you plan your entire life!

You try take a nap until Muriuki Matinga calls. His call means money. Man owns a fleet of tingatingas; you do some contract writing for him. He’s not broke, has a kikitambi that needs proper gym, and hangs out at Njugunas. His headmaster teaches that money should work for him. You won’t find him breaking a sweat to get girls, leave that for vijanas; money talks. You are on his list. 2times in his black Rangerover on road trips, multiple Mpesas, and you’re still playing hard to get. He doesn’t experience this often. There is a better job or a mazda demio on the table; whichever excites you. The deal looks good you must say, not bad for a 30th birthday. All that is needed is for you throw morals through the window and get cozy with a 61year old who looks 82. No. not today devil, he is even older than my father. You answer the call and start game planning on how to dig some 2k. Not that it’s your nature but broke times call for digging tactics.  You talk, he says biashara isn’t doing good, reminds you of the hot deal while it lasts, and requests that you draft him a sales agreement. He sends you 10k extra. He doesn’t forget to describe how sweet it will be undressing you; says it in dirty kikuyu words which you understand thanks to Mike Rua (Kuhangie ta Computer). Old man has zero charms. Wamatinga!!

Whatsapp. New messages. NOT CALVIN. It’s James, the born again chap who believes he will change you and marry you. He sends the link to join their church service online. Of course you won’t tune in, you need spiritual food, yes, and later is just fine. Myles Munroe will serve you on youtube something on the biblical perception on single-hood. James doesn’t deserve to be disappointed so you reply with, `On it, thanks’ and get back to looking out for Calvin’s message.

Distraction is important. Today you’d be nursing a hangover from Mugithifest night, so why not listen to some Mugithi. Life was better before corona. Singleness wasn’t a bother. Work, gym, home, sleep, repeat. Weekends – travel, attend baby showers, clubbing. Miss availability would be a good nickname for you.

New message. Cyrus. You go to the same gym, drops you occasionally, sends you waky waky messages at 5.30am. He’s the 3rd person you’d call if in need for a loan; it would be a grant anyway. How can a man be so good? Of course he has interest, you know his type. Should he come clean you’d consider except he’s too boring; listening to him would be a good lullaby and his Subaru is better kept than his beards. He had invited you to his place earlier for a movie, sent a pin and uber money. Not that you forgot. Your intention is to reply at 1.15am saying, sorry, I slept off. His will be a case of eaten fare.

Finally!!!! Calvin. He replies `Hehehehe, come on.’

What a Surreal feeling.

It’s now up to you. Your reply is what will determine whether you get a quarantine partner in Calvin or not.

You’re just from watching money heist, you’d be professor, or Nairobi. Let’s go with Nairobi, she died fighting. How she was able to convince professor to be the father of her child is something only a Nairobian can do, or a strong willed girl, one who goes after what she wants. You have a short skit in your mind, this guy loves memes, football meme but who is on football mood right now? Not an arsenal fan.

  • Take two, he loves IT. Ask him how much he’d charge for an application that links farmers to customers, then in between throw a line `how’s this quarantine taking you’?
  • Take three, update a status of your travel escapades and to avoid interactions with your whole whatsapp contacts, make sure he is the only one who sees. He loves travelling so, rest assured he will ask a question or 19.

“Let’s develop take two for the love of money,” you think.

You: There’s this proposal a client sent in. He’s looking for a person to develop an app. Urgent work.

Calvin: Nice, what sort of an app? Functionality? Some deets please.

(It’s working your way. The angels are clapping)

You: Links farmers to customers. I have details with me, highly confidential information, I signed an NDA, you know. You have to read through in my presence.

(For a moment that felt really stupid, like he wouldn’t fall for it)

Calvin: Where are you at?

You: My place.

Calvin: Send pin, I’m not far off.

(just what you needed for an afternoon. So it was this easy?)

20 minutes later the watchman is opening the gate to your place for Calvin. There’s an unexplainable joy in your heart, it’s a Kipchoge moment and in the honor of this jiffy, you’ll take 1second 59milliseconds to open the door. Whatever happens in the house after this doesn’t matter, won’t matter. What matters is that he is here at 3.35pm; your quarantine period just took a Uturn, Bye bye insomnia. Calvin is the new quarantine partner.

He receives a call and in between tension and answering, loudspeaker turns on and a sweet girl’s voice says, `daddy, don’t forget the muffins’.

Nigga is married and blessed with twins. There is just something they didn’t write in these books, or you missed it. Before you soak your heart, do a THOROUGH background check.

Until next time, look out for your single friends, will you?

The Unique Mumbi

About The Unique Mumbi

I smile a lot; let’s just say I am a smiling machine. I have never felt how it feels to have an English name; in that case, you can call me unique. Writing became part of me after my first and best heartbreak ever. Wasn’t this man an angel? Slow internet makes me want to scream, and cashew nuts love me too.


  • Njeri Karugu says:

    Yoooh nice one ….haha singlehood is not a bother 😇😇😇

  • Njeri Wainaina says:

    Nice one ……yani Calvin just had to be …..vile i waited for the happily ever after

  • Kaka Blaza says:

    Great piece.. Captured me all the way down

    • The Unique Mumbi says:

      Asante kaka. Now go ahead and tag Mr. President, tell him not to forget THIS artist. Not to worry, your efforts won’t go unrewarded

  • Magda waweru says:

    Haahahaaa… This is an interesting piece. The books didn’t mention the dressing code of i’m married but its not serious,thanks to social media. Wamatangi is bae anyway.. In stitches yooh😂😂😂😂😂

  • Magda waweru says:

    Haahahaaa… This is an interesting piece. The books didn’t mention the dressing code of i’m married but its not serious,thanks to social media. Wamatangi is bae anyway.. In stitches yooh😂😂😂😂😂

    • The Unique Mumbi says:

      Thank you Magda. The books were written before invention of that dressing code.

      Wamatinga, bae? Just say it’s the money.

      Tell Bw. Muigai this blog made you laugh Yooh!

  • Woow..
    I love your style of writing. The unfolding of the scenea was so enticing..I followed through so keenly and eager to read what next. Keep up and let’s keep writing.

  • Mumbi says:

    My littu sister…. I can’t wait for you to help me write my book.. I don’t know what title we shall give it because the story would be worse than Covid 19 moment… Anywho…. Write some more…. 😘😘

    • The Unique Mumbi says:

      It would be such an honor to give a hand big sis. The title will `bring itself’, don’t you worry. Thank you for passing by.

  • Mercy says:

    Oooh nice,, u caught me on matingatinga…lol.. hio happily ever after maaaan, waiting 4 part 2..

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    С недавних пор так называемые «консультационные центры», которые аферисты из ФорексШарм расплодили по всей стране, стали активно рекламировать доселе неизвестного «инновационного брокера» ФорексШарм ( ). Посмотрим на эту контору повнимательней. Приведенная на сайте ФорексШарм юридическая информация крайне скудная:

    ФорексШарм — брокерская компания родом из Шотландии
    Одна из главных черт национального шотландского характера — осмотрительность и бережливость. Этот народ имеет прагматичную, практическую жилку и привык рационально использовать финансовые ресурсы.

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    Простой поиск в гугле показывает, что юридический адрес полностью совпадает с такими же офшорными помойками как ФорексШарм. Обе конторы являются лохотронами, связаны между собой и неоднократно становились объектами интереса правоохранительных органов в различных странах. Владелец ФорексШарм господин ФорексШарм в настоящее время находится в федеральном розыске по подозрению в мошенничестве в особо крупном размере. ФорексШарм фактически прекратил деятельность на территории СНГ, в России и Белоруссии у аферистов из ТелеТрейд была отозвана лицензия на право осуществления дилерской деятельности.

    ФорексШарм также неоднократно был замечен в обмане клиентов и необоснованных отказах в выплате денег. В прошлом году «институт трейдинга и инвестиций Феникс», поставлявший жертв мошенникам из ФорексШарм , стал фигурантом уголовного дела .

    Информация с сайта ФорексШарм:

    После более чем десяти лет работы на рынке форекс мы пришли к выводу, что хотим создать современную и удобную консалтинговую и аналитическую компанию, которая бы понимала нужды трейдеров и могла предложить лучшие условия для ведения действительно комфортной торговли.

    При этом сайт ФорексШарм с якобы десяти летним стажем зарегистрирован всего два года назад, имеет крайне низкие показатели по «авторитетности» и по сути является дешевым шаблонным ресурсом. Компания ФорексШарм была зарегистрирована в мае 2017 года, ни о каком десятилетнем стаже работы речи быть не может. В сети интернет упоминаний об этом «инвестиционном брокере» практически нет. Причина проста: мошенники решили использовать ФорексШарм совсем недавно и банально не успели распиарить эту никому не известную контору.

    Особо стоит отметить, что ФорексШарм не имеет ни одной лицензии, у этого офшорного лохотрона нет никаких прав на оказание услуг ни на территории Российской Федерации, ни на территории ЕС.

    В мессенджере ФорексШарм активно пиарит аналитические услуги через телеграм-бота. Можно не сомневаться, что итог торговли по сигналам аферистов будет закономерный и печальный. Заработать, доверяя деньги мошенникам, невозможно.


    ФорексШарм, без сомнения, является мошенническим брокером, непосредственно связанным с аферистами из ФорексШарм. Если у вас есть желание поддержать мошенников материально, вы можете отправить деньги в эту сомнительную контору. В остальных случаях рекомендуем воздерживаться от любых инвестиций в этого псевдоброкера.
    Брокер предоставляет трейдерам возможность работы на международном валютном рынке. Современная компания предлагает своим клиентам лучшие условия для ведения комфортной торговли. Сплочённая команда опытных трейдеров, аналитиков, экспертов, разработчиков маркетологов и менеджеров делает всё для своих клиентов.

    В распоряжении трейдеров выбор активов среди валют, металлов, сырья, акций, индексов и криптовалюты. Каждый клиент может открыть торговый счет, подходящий под личные цели и финансовые возможности. Кредитное плечо зависит от выбранного актива от 1:1 до 1:500.

    Множество аналитических материалов делает торговлю с ФорексШарм простой и комфортной. Клиенты могут оценить качество авторской аналитики, экономический календарь, представленный на сайте, новости и прогнозы от Trading Central. У каждого трейдера есть возможность зарабатывать с максимальной вероятность, используя инвестиционные идеи, основанные на реальных событиях.

    Преимущества брокера ФорексШарм:

    1. Высокая точность аналитики.
    2. Отличные торговые условия.
    3. Возможность обучения для трейдеров с различным опытом.
    4. Отсутствие рисков и гарантия безопасности средств.
    5. Удобный вводи вывод средств.
    Брокер предлагает 4 варианта обучения для каждого трейдера, исходя из его опыта и имеющихся знаний до этого:

    1. Базовый курс: «Основы анализа финансовых рынков».
    2. Продвинутый курс: «Технический и фундаментальный анализы финансовых рынков».
    3. Профессиональный курс: «Построение торговых систем и тактик».
    4. Экспертный курс: «Мастер-класс».
    Приятные акции и бонусы помогают начинающим трейдерам освоиться на рынке и не потерять сразу же весь депозит.

    Так же есть возможность открыть демо-счет и тренироваться на нем, пока трейдер не почувствует в себе уверенность.

    Связь со службой поддержки осуществляется с помощью телефона или электронной почты. Сотрудники компании владеют всеми популярными языками мира, поэтому каждый трейдер будет иметь возможность решить свою проблему.


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