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It should have been us against Covid-19 Calvin. Reply the goddamn message! Say something.

Your phone rings, it’s not Calvin, a video call from Collins; he might have the cure for corona and that can wait. Nooo, you know what he wants, ex-FWB who hasn’t subscribed that you turned a leaf. It’s been 3.3months since. Tempting as it is to pick up, listen to his charms and have him over, you hate to betray the books you’ve been reading, Power of the pussy, He’s just not that into you, think like a man act like a woman, and secrets of fascinating womanhood. Call goes unanswered.

Calvin, where is he? Why is he not replying? Are you not interesting enough? See, Calvin is your typa man, you’ve already planned the wedding in your head, what song he will play during the proposal, how welcoming the mother would be, and how cute your first born Alpha would look. You’ve replayed it in your head; this needs to happen faster and now is the perfect time for bonding with all the curfews, work from home, and social distancing way of life. Idleness will make you plan your entire life!

You try take a nap until Muriuki Matinga calls. His call means money. Man owns a fleet of tingatingas; you do some contract writing for him. He’s not broke, has a kikitambi that needs proper gym, and hangs out at Njugunas. His headmaster teaches that money should work for him. You won’t find him breaking a sweat to get girls, leave that for vijanas; money talks. You are on his list. 2times in his black Rangerover on road trips, multiple Mpesas, and you’re still playing hard to get. He doesn’t experience this often. There is a better job or a mazda demio on the table; whichever excites you. The deal looks good you must say, not bad for a 30th birthday. All that is needed is for you throw morals through the window and get cozy with a 61year old who looks 82. No. not today devil, he is even older than my father. You answer the call and start game planning on how to dig some 2k. Not that it’s your nature but broke times call for digging tactics.  You talk, he says biashara isn’t doing good, reminds you of the hot deal while it lasts, and requests that you draft him a sales agreement. He sends you 10k extra. He doesn’t forget to describe how sweet it will be undressing you; says it in dirty kikuyu words which you understand thanks to Mike Rua (Kuhangie ta Computer). Old man has zero charms. Wamatinga!!

Whatsapp. New messages. NOT CALVIN. It’s James, the born again chap who believes he will change you and marry you. He sends the link to join their church service online. Of course you won’t tune in, you need spiritual food, yes, and later is just fine. Myles Munroe will serve you on youtube something on the biblical perception on single-hood. James doesn’t deserve to be disappointed so you reply with, `On it, thanks’ and get back to looking out for Calvin’s message.

Distraction is important. Today you’d be nursing a hangover from Mugithifest night, so why not listen to some Mugithi. Life was better before corona. Singleness wasn’t a bother. Work, gym, home, sleep, repeat. Weekends – travel, attend baby showers, clubbing. Miss availability would be a good nickname for you.

New message. Cyrus. You go to the same gym, drops you occasionally, sends you waky waky messages at 5.30am. He’s the 3rd person you’d call if in need for a loan; it would be a grant anyway. How can a man be so good? Of course he has interest, you know his type. Should he come clean you’d consider except he’s too boring; listening to him would be a good lullaby and his Subaru is better kept than his beards. He had invited you to his place earlier for a movie, sent a pin and uber money. Not that you forgot. Your intention is to reply at 1.15am saying, sorry, I slept off. His will be a case of eaten fare.

Finally!!!! Calvin. He replies `Hehehehe, come on.’

What a Surreal feeling.

It’s now up to you. Your reply is what will determine whether you get a quarantine partner in Calvin or not.

You’re just from watching money heist, you’d be professor, or Nairobi. Let’s go with Nairobi, she died fighting. How she was able to convince professor to be the father of her child is something only a Nairobian can do, or a strong willed girl, one who goes after what she wants. You have a short skit in your mind, this guy loves memes, football meme but who is on football mood right now? Not an arsenal fan.

  • Take two, he loves IT. Ask him how much he’d charge for an application that links farmers to customers, then in between throw a line `how’s this quarantine taking you’?
  • Take three, update a status of your travel escapades and to avoid interactions with your whole whatsapp contacts, make sure he is the only one who sees. He loves travelling so, rest assured he will ask a question or 19.

“Let’s develop take two for the love of money,” you think.

You: There’s this proposal a client sent in. He’s looking for a person to develop an app. Urgent work.

Calvin: Nice, what sort of an app? Functionality? Some deets please.

(It’s working your way. The angels are clapping)

You: Links farmers to customers. I have details with me, highly confidential information, I signed an NDA, you know. You have to read through in my presence.

(For a moment that felt really stupid, like he wouldn’t fall for it)

Calvin: Where are you at?

You: My place.

Calvin: Send pin, I’m not far off.

(just what you needed for an afternoon. So it was this easy?)

20 minutes later the watchman is opening the gate to your place for Calvin. There’s an unexplainable joy in your heart, it’s a Kipchoge moment and in the honor of this jiffy, you’ll take 1second 59milliseconds to open the door. Whatever happens in the house after this doesn’t matter, won’t matter. What matters is that he is here at 3.35pm; your quarantine period just took a Uturn, Bye bye insomnia. Calvin is the new quarantine partner.

He receives a call and in between tension and answering, loudspeaker turns on and a sweet girl’s voice says, `daddy, don’t forget the muffins’.

Nigga is married and blessed with twins. There is just something they didn’t write in these books, or you missed it. Before you soak your heart, do a THOROUGH background check.

Until next time, look out for your single friends, will you?

The Unique Mumbi

About The Unique Mumbi

I smile a lot; let’s just say I am a smiling machine. I have never felt how it feels to have an English name; in that case, you can call me unique. Writing became part of me after my first and best heartbreak ever. Wasn’t this man an angel? Slow internet makes me want to scream, and cashew nuts love me too.

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