By January 4, 2018 In the 20’s

7.30 am, Thursday morning.

Oh my. This will be the longest day of my life. Departmental meetings await and everyone will report on their progress against targets. We expect the manager’s nephew to suit up and arrive at 7.42am which trust me is 6hours earlier than his normal arrival time. Lanes my friend. I got there by luck; not Godparents and thus cannot afford to be late, especially not on Thursday morning. But you see, I was overly starved (for a month) and that mami I had in mind finally gave in to a date and who am I not to take her to a ladies night despite thirsty pockets? At the end of the tunnel, we shall wave starving goodbye. Ladies night; she comes dressed up in a super short skater dress, blond Brazilian weave and pink heels; she looks like a half-baked slay queen. She has a beer belly but let’s overlook that because that’s not where the honey lies. Before the year gets too old and Valentines come knocking, at least someone has dressed up just for me and this is too good to be true. The night goes well, I risk dancing with my two left legs and lucky enough she is worse and there is nothing to be ashamed of. We finish the whiskey and she is very high which is good enough for giving in. Tomorrow is meeting day. I look at my $2 watch and it’s 1.37am meaning we have to leave, have enough privacy time, sleep and make it to job early enough. So, we uber home. Usually, I use mathree, and then bodaboda but today is njanuary special. This mami must feel good so that when that time of the night comes, reciprocation is full plate. I had ordered mama nguo to clean utensils that had been lying on the sink for 1.5 weeks and tidy the house, so I am confident of zero smell as we walk in. I warm the chips chicken we had bought in Altona fish and chips and eat together. Bed time comes and I had promised to sleep on the guest room (which is non-existence) as she sleeps in the `master bedroom’ to avoid temptations, disturbance and excess warmth. But who buys such lines anymore? Not a 32 year old who has witnessed 6 elections. All we do is tell girls what they wanna hear because reality is not the sweetest vibe. I give her my white T-shirt which looks like a maternity dress on her and she insists she want to spice it up with a short which I gladly provide knowing that in few minutes we shall be in designer body suits. Did I mention I did the honors of undoing the bra? Ahem!

She surely is a 32 year old as she ignores that I had promised to use the guest room; my heart skips with joy. Phase 1 done. We are in the sheets and she takes the wall side; protection is for men. I wrap her in my arms and she begins reacting to the touch. She even reaches for Mr Forever and does whatever they do. We begin with lip game and then chest Olympics before heading downstairs. I reach for the pants and then hear ‘ don’t, I’m in my Ps’. We can’t! Godamn it! I hope she is sleep talking or I’m dreaming since Mr. forever wouldn’t hear a word. I’m at the peak as I reach for the pants again and she shouts ‘I’m serious, nanyesha! But why Judy. Why?

Do you think it’s the foreplay I wanted? We don’t even like it, we do it for you. So all the sex chats we had were leading to a rainy day?? Get out of my house now.

But babe its 3am.

Don’t babe me

Walk out. I cannot sleep in this condition when you’re around. Umeniwaste.


Go babe your raining P.

Please judge me; IT IS ALLOWED

The Unique Mumbi

About The Unique Mumbi

I smile a lot; let’s just say I am a smiling machine. I have never felt how it feels to have an English name; in that case, you can call me unique. Writing became part of me after my first and best heartbreak ever. Wasn’t this man an angel? Slow internet makes me want to scream, and cashew nuts love me too.

Leave a Reply

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.