By May 27, 2017 August 28th, 2017 Societal concerns

You gave her hopes in lump sum; that you will marry her, that she will be the mother of your kids (Max, Jeremy and Olivia) and the wife of your youth. Day after day after day her hopes keep growing; they are now obese and here you are still looking for a way to break the most heartbreaking and unbelievable news. Whatever happens she will always be Elsie, the battery in your watch, the gum in your lollipop, the love of your life.


You were different from her past dates, yours was to first build a friendship and other things would come. She was shocked that even after some dates, you still did not insist to hit the honey pot. Sometimes she wondered if you were a virgin and one day in between a night of bottles she got the courage to ask why you have never asked for sex and yours was a reply of a calculating man `the right time will come baby, I want to do it right’. After some dates, you had won the primaries and she was convinced you were worth fighting for. She felt it was you she has been waiting for all her life, and gave up all other men just to focus on you. Time she spent with her girls was now yours. Her girls stopped calling to ask `plot ni gani leo?’ her reply was always, `at Tim’s place, not tonight my dears’. They moved on and accepted that you were silently her everything and they were bad influence. They even stopped tagging her in their posts and photos and her timeline ever since has been full of bae moments. You have become her life no doubt. Her rented one bedroom house at Seasons Kasarani is empty most of the time as she is at your house making a home and proving that her material is nothing short of wife. Indeed, the last time you were in the kitchen doing anything constructive was that day she was out for the office dinner. She had fixed you a meal in the morning before she left and texted, `if I run late, warm the food I prepared’. It took you 16.5minutes to locate where the microwave calls home. It is clear that it’s not your kitchen anymore. You start appreciating Elsie quietly. She is different from those who were there before. The sex with the others was good enough except for Judy who was too lazy to enjoy fornication with. Hers was to lie down, spread her legs and just wait for whatever magic would happen down there. Sometimes you suspected she had slept and that was the most boring thing, couldn’t she have faked even a single moan or tried to say, `baby harder, harder, harder’. With her, it was lackluster and the few times you called her over, you wanted somewhere to cum and she was always an okoa jahazi, and a container to empty the fathering cells; it worked. The other girls you can remember were pretty good in bed; you learnt all those styles they show in pornographies. They gave it like life depended on it and that made you feel nothing short of a complete man. Luck was on your side as you did not impregnate any of them. Their wifey skills were wanting though. All they did was look sexy in your long baggy t-shirt, climb up the sofa, pick up the remote and enjoy `keeping up with the Kardashians’. They did this as you waited for water to boil and prepare ugali. One day as you disenjoyed your time in the kitchen, Suzzie called you seeking your opinion on some hairstyle with a lady on a reality show and that is the closest someone has ever been to calling you a girl. Things you did to ride below the crupper were ridiculous and only your fellow men can understand that both heads cannot function concurrently. If a boner comes, cumming becomes a necessity.


Your life when you had these girls was disorganized and all you thought about during weekends was who you would invite to come over. Your money was spent on making the girls feel good, and consequently, they would feel indebted to get down. When you met Elsie, things changed for the better and automatically, you ditched those girls. She introduced you to life with a purpose, exercising, saving, being entrepreneurial and for the first time you wanted to settle, to be in a serious relationship, to come home every day to some delicious food and a clean house. Now you could comfortably invite your boys over for lunch on Sundays; she always got you. She is likeable. Your sisters would click with her immediately, your mum would be pleased to show her how you like the `irio’, and your dad would be satisfied by the length of her dress. She is wifey; she is virtuous; she is life for you. Well, in bed, she is average, not all that porny but average is good; you can deal with it for the rest of your life. Besides, when in need of a very good dish, you can hunt for a side dish and protect Elsie from ever knowing. In your years of experience with dating, you have discovered the unwritten rules of cheating: `cheat but don’t ever, ever let her find out’.


Words of parents have power and yours keep saying: `fall in love, marry, but don’t bring us a girl from this tribe’. You need your parents’ blessings, without them you feel your marriage would stumble and eventually break. It will not be the kind you dreamt of, seeing your wife and mother bond, your kids having fun with guks, and your sisters planning a surprise baby shower for your wife. Without their blessings, this marriage cannot move on. Your mother’s exact words are unforgettable, they keep ringing every time you think of your relationship with Elsie. When she heard a rumor that your fiancée is from that tribe she said, `if you ever get a girl child with her, don’t dare name her after me’. Your dad is still swimming in doubt and is yet to have the courage to utter any word. Denial is written all over his face; he cannot believe that his only son can consider marrying a girl from that tribe while there are so many beautiful, educated, and unmarried tribe mates. He has spent most of his years telling you parables and stories of how dangerous women from that tribe are, how they cannot make good wives, how your entire clan was told to never marry from that tribe. Nevertheless, he has not uttered any word; it is just a rumor anyway, he is good at patience and the man he has molded in you will eventually break the news. He cannot be caught up in women’s mushene. Your elder sister has talked you out of it, said that you are still young to get a wifeable lady from the right tribe. She has stressed on the consequences of marrying from the wrong tribe, what your ancestors advised against and the curses that would follow you.


It is in black and white that there is a wrong and right tribe.


You love Elsie from deep down, with her, forever wouldn’t be too long, she is your missing piece, and your divine intervention. You cannot wait to call her wife, her sweet voice singing `if you think about love by Dolly Parton’ in the kitchen as she makes you breakfast and you walking in in your boxers and a bare chest, embracing her from the back while holding her waist tight, kissing her from the side, and making love in the kitchen where you will make your firstborn.


She has been part of your growth, and has undeniably built you emotionally, socially, and most importantly, financially. She introduced you to saving, to starting side hustles, you made that business plan together and your business is now picking. It is that business that feeds your parents. The same parents who will reject the girl with the brains behind it. They do not know your journey, why you have chosen her all these years. You hate traditions or traditions hate you but whatever your struggle is, you hate that there is a wrong tribe. You have strategized, brainstormed, and used all those methods they teach in counseling on how to convince them and talk them out of that wrong tribe ideology. Happens that this is just theory, your family cannot buy into your thinking; how do you tell the eagle that chicken meat is not sweet? It has become your bonafide worry that you and Elsie may not be an item.


You bought an engagement ring, the proposal arrangements are underway and you’re exercising your romantic muscles; she has no idea. All she knows is that you will be her husband one day. She keeps wondering why in your 4years relationship you have never introduced her to your family, not even your sisters and you have always given valid reasons which she buys just to end the argument. Maybe once they hear that you even proposed, that you are engaged, they will have no choice but to swallow the bitter truth and support you but that would be in a land called dream and you know it. She is from the `wrong tribe’.

The Unique Mumbi

About The Unique Mumbi

I smile a lot; let’s just say I am a smiling machine. I have never felt how it feels to have an English name; in that case, you can call me unique. Writing became part of me after my first and best heartbreak ever. Wasn’t this man an angel? Slow internet makes me want to scream, and cashew nuts love me too.

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