WEMEN

By July 7, 2016 October 2nd, 2017 Societal concerns

 

I am straight outta Kikuyu Valley; the one with Samburu tribe; the one that Madonna discovered. (Floating? Go to twitter, type #KikuyuValley. You are welcome). I am confused between whether I told you that to enlighten you of the recently discovered Kikuyu Valley or to brag that I am not behind the news. So irrelevant.

 

 

Today, I want us to talk about us; we the Eve fraternity; we with curves; we whose hips don’t lie; wemen (Get the pronunciation right; f*** spelling). As a lady, when you hang out with gents you discover how different their conversations are from ours. They will majorly discuss football, politics, women and alcohol in no particular order. I candy crush as they delve into football matters and spread my ears when they start on women and alcohol. As for politics, there are enough bloggers to keep me up-to-date. On football, I don’t want to start saying how Wanyama scored for Arsenal and everyone burst into laughter; they cannot crush my ego like that. AFANA!

 

 

Their discussions are very absorbing.

Guy A: Ulifunga jana usiku? (Did you score last night?)

Guy B: Hee, boss sindio. Yule yellow yellow alicome through (That brown chic came through).

Guy C: BTW wale machokora wanadai kutujoin kwa club leo usiku. (Those ratchets want to join us to the club today night).

Guy D: Waambie wakuje ata niko Kalahari. (Tell them to come; I have been on dry spell way too long).

They will argue on who is a heavyweight because no one wants to be considered a lightweight. The conclusion will be that 12beers per person should be placed on the table to keep the record straight. The last man standing will be the heavyweight, and the first man to fall will be the lightweight champion. What is funnier is that some of these gents don’t know each other’s name. Wataitana tu boss, mzito. Very fascinating!!

 

 

 

Come to us daughters of Earth. Our conversations are something else; detailed. We will open a whatsapp group called `girl talk manenos’ and majorly use it to discuss men on earth. Annie will seek for advice because he is in love with this man who is poor in bed. That `poor in bed’ is followed with details of HOW POOR. In here, you don’t need those kamasutra books and videos; the vivid descriptions are enough.

 

 

Jane will say how pissed she is with some guy; she will engage the girls so that they brainstorm on the best reply that will break somebody’s son heart. People like me will say `block him’ but others will come up with well researched paragraphed replies. She will send us screenshots of the conversations they have had since day one so that we don’t miss a thing. That son of God will not be spared by the storm of the reply.

 

The group has legal advisers who are believed to have genius advices and analysts who will analyze the subject matter. They will scrutinize the photos sent and categorize the men.

He looks like a broke ass; chances are he is gay, and so on.

Singletons like me are just passive readers because we cannot simply keep up. I mean, shall we screenshot those `tafadhali nitumie pesa kwa hii namba ile ingine….’ texts? No way. On the bright side, we are learning from the best. Some singletons though will find no value in the groups and they will `left’. Lefting will also affect the girls whose opinions are not acknowledged; you know like say I second Mary; Jane, that’s a brilliant idea. We don’t just get mad only when men forget our special days; ha ha now you know.

 

 

Anyhow, at the end of the day, Men are from Mars and Women are from Venus. There is no invading other people’s planets!!!

 

It was fun writing; ALWAYS IS.

The Unique Mumbi

About The Unique Mumbi

I smile a lot; let’s just say I am a smiling machine. I have never felt how it feels to have an English name; in that case, you can call me unique. Writing became part of me after my first and best heartbreak ever. Wasn’t this man an angel? Slow internet makes me want to scream, and cashew nuts love me too.

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