Buy me a ride, Nissan Auris 2010; I’m sick and bushed of using matatu. They are very noisy I cannot help, and, I’m not also safe while there in heels and the short skirts you love me in. Imagine, even texting using my new babe is impossible; they will steal it. I’m too cool for matatu. Good evening hun.

10.45pm January the 8th, it’s been 7hours of driving from Nairobi to Eldoret; tomorrow Baba Mercy will have her girl admitted to a prestigious national school. He is looking at his Mpesa balance after paying for bed and breakfast when a message pops up. Not a happy New Year one but the kind that requires you to call yourself a press conference and reread until Jesus comes back like a thief. He has not saved this number and if he would it would be a name like Kuria or Wanyonyi, common, yet unsuspicious male names. What’s her name? He tries to remember then true caller saves the year, Miss Con, is it Consolata, Cocoa, Consumata, Concoda?  Whatever. Salty men don’t like thinking much. He wonders whether he will ever know her full name and then remembers Mpesa can multitask.

Wait! Just the other day he had sent her 19K on Mpesa to upgrade her phone and the value for his money was a perfect night `ride’ when he was in Naivasha for a seminar. (Last time he had had such was during boom in campus). Now she wants a car because blah blah ……… she is taking it too far. Way too far. Mama Mercy drives a toyota starlet, and she is the woman who has stood by him through tall and short, thick and thin, and together they build this wealth he calls his. This Miss Con comes from nowhere, finds a cash cow, sits in her bought bed and asks for a Nissan Auris. What she needs is bundles to Google Auris because Auris? Nissan? Unknown. Anyway, she is Miss Con after all, too symbolic.

So, how will he rest? He had planned to have out of town love making with Mama Mercy like old dating times, and have time for guidance with his daughter. With all this fury burning inside of him, the plan has changed. Denial calls; maybe this text was not meant for him. Maybe this was a text to her vehicle dealer.

‘Hi dear. Wrong text?’

No. It’s yours hun. I want you to be proud of me as I alight during our next hook up.

Confirmed: It’s yours Baba Mercy.

He wants to rant, to speak his heart out, to someone who can listen and not judge much as he pours all the anger. That person is definitely not mama Mercy. She would give him a divorce look and the next minute their pastor and church elders would be calling saying `we need to talk’.

Mercy? Out of the equation. It’s her `elder sister’ bringing all these problems. She would judge him, hate him maybe and promise not to call her kids after him. He rushes to WhatsApp to look at the face that will be responsible for his heart attack. Pimples hid with 12layers of foundation, pink lipstick, hair that covers one side of the face, Mirror selfie with status ‘new baby’. The baby must be the phone he bought her 2weeks ago after closing a deal. On that same week, his sister had called wanting a loan of 10K to buy more stock but he had said ‘niko mbaya. Mercy anafungua form one’. What kind of a bitch is Karma?

He wants to drink so badly and rant like a child when tipsy. Then, it won’t seem like a big deal. What do these ladies take such men for? ATM’s? Jackpots? Car manufacturer’s? Trump? The pace was set too high.


He wants and wants, and most importantly wants to find the troublemaker, Miss Con, slap her in her right cheek and then the left. Be his father; his elder daughter is her age anyway. Sit her down and have a real talk before taking her to sponsorship rehabilitation. You see young lady; your fathers, uncles, and grandfathers hunt for young girls like you every day. They will give you some thousands, and you will sell your morality. They hardly use protection because rubber is for the youths. They will subscribe you to the most expensive family planning method. But only unwise girls fall for such. If you have to do it, if you really really have to, let it come with tangible value. Think about business ideas and share with him; let the man give you real business advice; he is a guru. He has connections, let him connect you to a job if he surely cares; nag all you can. A job will give you the experience you never had, open up opportunities that can serve you a lifetime even when he starts dating your daughter. That phone will be stolen at Githurai, you will start chasing his friend when he leaves and you cannot fuel your car, and then his friend’s brother. Finally, you will be kicked out of that apartment when he finds a prettier girl and you’re history. Look at tangible; look at long term; he won’t marry you and young forever is for Instagram; you will age, and the beautiful ones will be born.

 

BABA MERCY, at shoutmate you rant all you can; a problem shared is a problem half solved. 

The Unique Mumbi

About The Unique Mumbi

I smile a lot; let’s just say I am a smiling machine. I have never felt how it feels to have an English name; in that case, you can call me unique. Writing became part of me after my first and best heartbreak ever. Wasn’t this man an angel? Slow internet makes me want to scream, and cashew nuts love me too.

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